What Do You Seek?

Composed by: Sr. Catalina Rosa

 "What do you seek?"
 
"God's mercy and yours."

This question-and-answer exchange takes place when an individual is received into the Dominican family and begins the novitiate year with the Lay Fraternities of St. Dominic. Eight other adults from our LFSD formation group and I answered this question one and a half years ago, and I had the joy of seeing three friends answer the same question at the beginning of this calendar year.

I've found myself pondering this question daily for several months.
 
At the same time, I've struggled to find the words to describe why this question-and-answer exchange resonates with me. I knew I wanted to share the stirrings of my soul--but I kept thinking what I'd do wrong in such an endeavor.

Oh, I'd fail to describe mercy with theological accuracy. I don't have a theology background. I don't even have a philosophy background. I've read many books, but not the sorts that come in handy with apologetics. It's the Year of Mercy, and still priests find new insights about it to preach. Mercy. I'm a young adult, and I'm not married, and I'm not a mother, so what do I know about life? Goodness gracious, I babble about my thoughts and opinions during group sharing to the point that I find myself being interrupted often. How could I even try to write something about mercy properly?

Yes, these thoughts have crossed my mind multiple times...

...and so I've been silent with my spiritual writing since February.

It's now the end of June.

Just two days ago, I attended a daytime retreat with a women's group. (Some of the fellow retreat attendees included fellow members of this LFSD formation group, the Joy of the Just!) The retreat reminded me of struggles that I, as a Catholic woman who's living and working in the world, face regularly--and the retreat reminded me that I could use what I know about my faith to inform my head, and my heart, that despite the negative messages that I hear about myself, or that I even tell myself, I'm a beloved daughter of God, a God who delights in me.

With this awareness, I found myself identifying earlier today specific instances of negative messages I hear repeatedly. I even was able to find some time to vent to a friend over the phone over what I had been keeping to myself for so long.

I was grateful for this relief, but then I found myself, a few hours later, still upset within my heart. What was I going to do? Re-tell the story to another friend? Then, what? Feel temporary relief, yet still be unsettled?
 
Then I realized I needed to address my heart, not my head.

I prayed, "Mama Mary, I know I can't go around with an unsettled heart, with a bitter heart. This problem will still be here tomorrow. I know I'll need to accept this cross. Right now, I don't want to wake up tomorrow and face it. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning and face it today. Please help me find a way to face it. I know you've borne your sorrows."

Seemingly unrelated to that prayer, I soon commenced my piano practice of the day.

I got to a point in my practice at which I practiced the piano part of a lovely Beethoven trio for violin, cello, and piano. It's Opus 70, Number 2. You can look up performances of it on YouTube. The first movement, Poco sostenuto - Allegro ma no troppo, starts with nine measures of beauty.  It's beauty that's present only with all three instruments playing it, in a way that their voices can be heard distinctly, yet their harmony has a collective sweetness that must be appreciated as a whole. Because of this harmony, I sometimes even attempt to play the violin and cello parts in addition to my own piano part whenever I'm practicing alone (the piano part is difficult enough that I must practice it alone a lot aside from trio practices), but such a feat is impossible for most of the movement (well, the entire trio).

While I was playing the piano, I realized that something for which I thank God daily is the realization, through music, that there's something called beauty, that there's something transcendent above the ugliness of the world, and that there's something even more beautiful than the most exquisite piece of music any mortal has written: God.

Then, still while I was playing the piano, the reality that the trio I enjoy playing consists of three instruments playing together struck me, and it reminded me of the Trinity.

Then, still while I was playing the piano, a wall within my heart crumbled, and I had a sense I should keep these thoughts in my heart as I continued to practice the rest of Poco sostenuto - Allegro ma no troppo.

Towards the end of the movement, I realized not only had I just played several difficult passages much better than I ever had in the previous two months (but still far from perfectly), but also many words of prayer that had eluded me were starting to come to mind.

The words came in a rush:

Jesus, I seek Your mercy.
Please remind me that I'm loved,
Even when I receive either biting words or silence from my family.
Please remind me that I'm not better than they.
I, too, am capable of speaking harshly, and of giving silent treatment.
I have done those.
Please have mercy on me.
I know if I don't watch myself, I'll be like
The servant who was forgiven his debts,
Then demanded another servant repay him.

 Jesus, I seek Your mercy.
Please remind me that I'm loved,
Even when I hear day in and day out demeaning words about my womanhood from both strangers, and from individuals who aren't strangers, but against whom I can do nothing within my earthly powers.
Please remind me that I'm not better than they.
I, too, am capable of uttering hurtful words, and of being demeaning towards others.
I have done those.
Please have mercy on me.
I know if I don't watch myself, I'll be like
The servant who was forgiven his debts,
Then demanded another servant repay him.

Jesus, I just want a hug.
Jesus, I just want to be reminded I'm loved.
I know I'm not perfect.
I know I'll never be perfect.
I know I never had a shot at being perfect.
I just want the motivation to get up from bed,
And face another day,
And do what I can,
Because there's meaning to my efforts,
Because of You.
My head is aware of this truth,
But my heart is hurt,
And I don't want to be careless and open it without prudence and let others trample on it,
But I know I need to open it up to Your grace.
I can't do this alone.
Please help me let You love me.

 Less than a minute later, I was astounded at what I had just played, at what I had just prayed, and at the amount of tears I had managed to shed through it all.

 Finally, I was at peace.