Checking Out Forgiveness

Composed by: Sr. Mary Magdalene

​Today, I made a boo-boo. To be sure, it was an accident or oversight and therefore didn’t constitute a “sin,” but it did seem, to me, to warrant an apology. Perhaps as important, the experience got me to pondering the nature of forgiveness and our human desire (dare I say, need?) to hear some words of absolution. Since my faux-pas and subsequent apology were not a matter of Sacramental confession, I feel free to share it with you here.

I was in my local grocery store doing a bit of shopping for an upcoming family venture to a rural cottage. Admittedly, I was somewhat distractedly trying to go through my list and mentally process all the possible needs or wants my family might encounter while being out in the woods. We aren’t going to be exactly roughing it, but we would be without a few of the conveniences of our suburban home. There will be a kitchen and indoor toilet, but no Wi-Fi and no easily running out for items forgotten or fast-food craved for. All this to say, my mind was occupied and drifting as I chose my check-out line and started to place my items on the belt. To complete the scene, there was a customer being checked-out ahead of me, and one who stepped in line behind me. Being normally of a bit of a light-hearted and social constitution, the subdued mood of the young cashier and others around me was mentally noted and briefly wondered about. Perhaps she was having a bad day or was carrying some unknown burden? When it was my turn, I courteously asked if she wanted me to put the kitty litter and case of water on the belt, and when she said “no,” I dutifully brought my cart around to a more convenient spot for her to reach and scan it in with her remote scanner. It wasn’t until she was three-quarters of the way through checking my order that a customer two people behind me walked directly up to me and, somewhat curtly, asked me if I realized that I was in the Express Lane. Her tone betrayed that (perhaps) she was not exactly asking me a question as much as she was making a point. My already animated face contorted, and an audible gasp came from my mouth as I realized that it was my carelessness that had provoked the ire and dismay of those around me. I quickly admitted my oversight and apologized, not the least bit half-heartedly, but instead with “I’m so sorry!” I watched as she abruptly returned to her place in line. I could not discern any softening in her body language or her eyes. I wondered if perhaps she didn’t believe me when I said that I hadn’t realized I was in the Express Lane (with twice the number of items allowable). In my humiliation, I searched the eyes of the male customer who had been directly behind me. There was an equally unmoved expression on his face, even as he witnessed my having been publicly chastised. I could not run. I could not correct my wrong-doing without further inconvenience to the others. I could only hope to not be a further disruption as I quickly attempted to gather my bags and pay my bill. It was a mistake. It was just an honest mistake. And yet I sensed within me a real need to be assured that someone, ANYONE, recognized that I was truly sorry for my wrong-doing. I reached out to the young cashier as she handed me my receipt. “Sorry for my mess up,” I softly said as I engaged her eyes. Her face softened. “It’s ok. It happens,” she responded. I left feeling just a little bit better.

As I made my way home, I began pondering our human desire to hear and know that we are forgiven. Whether we caused harm or distress accidentally or deliberately, I would venture to say that there is a part in each one of us that wants to know forgiveness. Despite the protestations of a few who insist that they are never in need of forgiveness, I would suggest that perhaps even the most emphatic, deep down, in the most vulnerable place within them, hope that forgiveness is real and that it is extended even to them.

To get back to my grocery store gaff, I am certain that, at the end of the day, neither the cashier nor the customers would be injured long-term by my Express Lane intrusion. I could even make myself feel a bit better by remembering that I am a stranger to them and that they don’t know me well enough to recognize my inherent goodness. In the grand scheme of things, does this unfortunate event have any real lasting consequence? Does it really matter? And yet, it did matter! Deep down, the most vulnerable place within me hungered for a word of forgiveness. How much greater would that need be if the offense and injury it caused were more significant than a simple failure at grocery line etiquette? How much more the desire to be recognized as someone of worth by One to whom I am not a stranger; to the Lord who knows (and loves!) me with great intimacy. Here is where the Wisdom of God, through the Church, meets us in the very messy reality of our human lives.

Many outside (and within) the Catholic Church question the necessity of Sacramental Confession (Penance, Reconciliation) to a priest. The argument goes something like this: I confess my sins directly to God and I know He forgives me. I trust His mercy and goodness. Why do I need a priest to be an intermediary? The most concrete answer is found in Scripture and can be summed up with the words “because Jesus said so.” When Jesus resurrected from the dead and returned to the frightened and hiding Apostles as they stayed put in the upper room, He breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them, and whose sins you retain are retained,” (Jn 20:23). The Church points to this verse in particular as the institution of what is now known as the Sacrament of Reconciliation. If we look at this verse a little more critically, we might see that it is in receiving the Holy Spirit that the power to forgive sins resides. In other words, it is not the priest forgiving the sin of his own power, but God’s Spirit working through an ordinary minister of the Church which effects the forgiveness. All Sacraments are opportunities of Grace, instituted by Christ Himself. Though a faith-filled, practicing Christian might accept this just because “Jesus said so,” the human question “but why?” is still often enough posed. Here’s where my experience in the grocery store served to give me the tiniest bit of insight into my own human condition, my own need.

Though certainly an imperfect comparison, a wrong was done in the Express line this afternoon and it required some acknowledgement of having offended another. Granted, my grocery line gaff, being neither deliberate nor intended to do moral or personal harm, does not constitute an actual sin. And yet, I actually felt a very real desire that these strangers know that I was indeed sorry and that I didn’t want to be selfish and inconsiderate. I wanted to be a better person than my actions might have seemed to indicate! I really did want to hear a word of forgiveness.

God, having created us and knowing us intimately, is well aware of our human failings, frailties, and needs. If we take a look at His public ministry, it is chock full of instances in which He healed with a touch, with words, and with the use of things ordinary. Our Catholic Sacraments reflect this need for the concrete that Jesus so effectively met as He walked among us. (It’s referred to as form and matter, but that’s a lesson for another time.)
​
In other words, Jesus gave us this great gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation in order that we might be afforded the opportunity to identify our sins and failings, acknowledge them (bringing them out from the darkness!), and to actually hear His words of absolution. The Lord, who knows us intimately and loves us dearly (unlike the strangers in the check-out line), hears our words and knows the contrition of our hearts. Perhaps more importantly, in the Sacrament of Confession, we hear His mercy spoken directly and personally to us. “Your sins are forgiven.” This is not because of any need that God has or the Church or the priest has to humble us, but rather, because the mercy of God is showered on us in hearing those healing words of forgiveness. Our contrition is met with God’s mercy, and Grace begins to act. Who needs the Sacrament of Reconciliation? We do. It is a need rooted in the core of our being. We want to be better than our words and actions sometimes indicate. We want to be known and loved despite our failings. We need to hear the words “your sins are forgiven” directly from the mouth of God and in this, we begin to know our own worth.